I read through this post which I hadn't seen in over 3 years and I thought "this shit is FUNNY. I used to be so funny! What the hell happened??"
What the hell DID happen, because I certainly don't write posts like that anymore. That post is an example of the reason why I started this blog, so that I could go off on my random curse-filled rants about things that are only important to me. So that I could crack myself up because holy shit I'm clever! (Seriously, that dude's shirt IS FUCKING BLUE. Why does nobody care about that????) I have a child with autism, but it was never my intention to be An Autism Blogger. It was never my intention to be any kind of blogger, just somebody who pulled shit out of her head and wrote it down. I used to say that I'm not a writer, I'm a brain-bit spewer. I pull random crap from my brain and I write it down. That's all I ever wanted to do here.
But the years have gone by and now I'm just not what I wanted to be. For one thing I just can't write the way I used to. Somebody once told me I could write about an old shoe and make it funny (and did I prove THEM wrong!) and I actually believed them, but I can't do that anymore; it's not that I don't want to, it's like... I just can't. I no longer have it in me to pull that off. I don't know if it's because I can't write, or so much of the time I'm doing things that aren't really very storytelling worthy and they don't even amuse me enough to want to make them funny. I miss that, being able to write about pound cake and make people laugh. That, plus I don't think about this place as much as I used to. It used to be that everything I did was possibly something I could write about here, but now I write a one line Facebook update and I don't even consider writing a post about it. People suggest that I need to blog about my dead rat story, but I just can't make it happen. I'm still expected to be able to make dead rats funny and I don't think I can do it, so I don't try to.
Another thing, perhaps just as important as that last reason, is now I've got this audience. I have An Audience; a formal title. It's no longer my husband and my mom, it hasn't been that for a long time. I have a ton of people who read what I write, and even though 99.99% of you guys will tell me "fuck it all, write what you want" it's like I feel some kind of responsibility to do more than just rant about a TV show (at least here on the blog, Facebook is a whole nuther story). I'm supposed to say Important Things and talk about Important Issues and most things that actually go through my head are too trivial now for me to devote time to it on these pages. I'm apparently the head of some elitist autism blogger cult (at least that's what the rumor mill tells me) but I never even wanted to be an autism blogger, how can I be the leader of an autism blogger clique?? But if that's what I am, even though I never sought out that position, how am I supposed to also talk about dead rats? (Just in case you wanted to know, I found a dead rat in my bed after coming home from a vacation. It wasn't funny. AT ALL).
I'm considering turning off comments, partly because this is just so fucking Woe is Me but also because I know what you guys will say. I should do whatever I want, people will love me regardless, I should write from my heart, I shouldn't care about these things, I'm too hard on myself; and you're right. I agree with that. Those things you haven't even said. It's just that I don't think I can do that. I think things have changed too much, and even though I created this blog to rid myself of brain bits, and no other reason, I just don't think I'm capable of it anymore. I've been saying repeatedly that I want to start writing here again and then I keep starting and then stopping, but maybe I just can't do it. Even if I were still able to extract my brain bits and write them down, this place just isn't that dumping ground for me anymore.
I don't know what my point is. I'm certainly not planning on throwing in the towel. Or is it hanging up the towel? Towel metaphors confuse me. Whatever it is you do with a towel that means you're done with something. I'm not done here. I'm not going anywhere, this blog isn't going anywhere. I don't know what I'm saying. Just brain bits, I guess.
